15 Completely Feasible Epitaphs for my Tombstone

At this very moment, I’m enjoying a highly relaxing, sweaty, tick-addled, mostly-technology-free week by a trout stream in Southeastern Oklahoma. And what better time than to contemplate one’s mortality than while sitting on a riverbank, sipping a beer and waiting for the fish to bite?

That’s right. There is no better time. Because nothing says, “Carefree and fancy-free” like making a list of stuff that could be very feasibly engraved on your headstone after you kick the bucket. And let’s be honest, folks: I am always slashing, smashing, bludgeoning, slicing, dicing, or otherwise maiming myself, so it’s probably high time to give serious consideration to this most morbid of topics.

Here’s my best effort. When I do finally cash in my chips, make sure someone chooses wisely from the following options:

1.She Should Have Worn Her Work Gloves.

2.We’re Not Sure, But It Probably Involved Bourbon.

3.Her Chickens Ate Her. The Omelets Were Great.

4.She Forgot to Give Her Cat His Prozac.

5.In Heaven, ‘Your Side-boob’ never gets stuck in a Champagne Bottle.

6.She Will Haunt You Forever If You Put Soap On That Cast Iron Skillet.

7.Dead and Wearing Makeup Properly For the First Time.

8.She Died Doing What She Loved: Something Undoubtedly Productive and Valuable But Wholly Unsafe.

9.She Should Have Eaten More Gravy On Everything.

10.We’re Not Sure, But At Least She Was Wearing Her Snazzy Green Overalls.

11.She Ran Out of Band-Aids.

12.We’re Not Sure, But At Least She Smelled like Patchouli and Paint Thinner to the Very End.

13.There Are No Vinyl Windows in Heaven.

14.Blame It On The Color Orange.

15. For a Better Understanding of What Might Have Happened, Please Read the iNest Archives.