I don’t know about y’all, but I really feel like the first 30 days of 2017 have been far from a laughing matter. So far, in fact, that in order to find a little levity, I’ve been watching Law and Order: SVU in marathon mode. Because at least in SVU, the bad guy almost always gets his comeuppance.
In addition to blithely Netflixing my way through…whatever this is…I have, of course, been partaking of adult beverages at the many various Adult Beverage Procurement Locations scattered about Paducah.
There is one place I have not gone lately. One establishment whose siren call I’ve resisted - one locale whose doorway I’ve not darkened. I know all too well the pain of any morning after a night spent bathed in the sticky blue glow of one of Paducah’s most insidious taverns: The Silver Bullet.
No one ever starts a night out planning to end up at The Silver Bullet. It just happens. One minute, you’re demurely sipping martinis at Doe’s, and the next, you’re screaming along with a Carrie Underwood song while throwing back lukewarm beer from a can some sketchy guy handed you, but you don’t want to be rude and it’s free, so you’re going to drink it anyway.
It’s not that it’s necessarily the worst place on earth. It’s that you feel like the worst person on earth after a spending an evening there.
But what if you could Just Say No? What if you could channel all those good intentions you had four bourbons ago and remind yourself about how great it is to wake up at a reasonable time, in your own bed, having showered and brushed your teeth before you went to sleep?
What if you could bypass The Bullet, but still retain your Cool Person Card*?
Next time you’re tempted to give in to peer pressure, try one of these creative options that will help you ‘Just Say No’ to a night at The Bullet. Unless, of course, you really want to go to The Bullet. In which case, knock yourself out (a literal possibility). Just wear close-toed shoes and bring your own soap for the bathroom.
1. “Oh, I wish I could, but I’ve already reached my quota of random marriage proposals for the year.”
2. “Sure. We could do that. Or we could go swim in, and drink, from an abandoned motel pool. Same difference.”
3. “You know, this is how people who just wanted to have some fun find themselves waking up in a bathtub full of ice in a Mexican border town - with one or more of their internal organs missing.”
4. “Why don’t we skip The Bullet and go straight to the part where we wake up tomorrow to see what horrifyingly candid texts we sent to people we shouldn’t be texting?”
5. “I totally would, but I have this really strange impulse to preserve my dignity right now, and I’d better quarantine myself in the house until it passes.”
6. “Maybe I’m old fashioned, but whiskey with a hepatitis chaser just doesn’t appeal to me.”
7. “Look. I know these are dark times, but we don’t have to do this to ourselves. We have other options. We can’t give up hope. Not yet. Not while there’s still breath in our bodies.”
8. “Sorry, but hearing ‘Wagon Wheel’ 678 times in one evening is really triggering for me, and I should probably just stay in my safe space for the night.”
9. “Not to change the subject, but does this common sense make me look fat?”
10. “But I can think of so many better ways to end up hating myself tomorrow!”
*results not guaranteed. I have no idea what it is to be “cool,” anyway. I just wanted to write this article.